Sunday Funnies

Posted by Herb7734 2 weeks ago to Humor
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The news of today is so crazily un American that anyone who believes in the principles upon which the USA was founded might need a bit of cheering up. The following is strictly for laughs with a bit of satire as well. It could also be called "Thoughts from an old guy's demented mind."


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    Posted by  $  Dobrien 2 weeks ago
    Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
    I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
    My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
    I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
    My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
    Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
    A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
    The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
    Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
    When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
    My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
    What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
    What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
    My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
    I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
    Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
    I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
    Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
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  • Posted by  $  Olduglycarl 2 weeks ago
    Breaking news......
    Trump to start deporting Democrats.

    Mexico responds by starting to build border wall.

    Now we know how he was going to get Mexico to pay for the border wall!
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  • Posted by  $  Dobrien 2 weeks ago
    What do you call 20 Vikings’ fans in the basement?
    A: A Whine Cellar.

    Q: What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
    A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

    Q: What happened to the joke that Jay Cutler told his receivers?
    A. It went over their heads.

    Q. What do you call a 300lb packers fan?
    A. Anorexic
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  • Posted by 2 weeks ago
    FOOTBALL:
    Football is like investing.....it's good to have a diversified portfolio.A team should use a balanced mix of run plays and pass plays.

    And, sometimes the quarterback is smart to accept a sack rather than trying something too risky. Take the small loss and move on. A defensive player getting a finger on a pass can have a big impact.

    In both football and investing, a tip can be a real game changer.But some things are different.Football has nothing like like a T-Bill -- there are no guaranteed returns in football.
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  • Posted by chad 1 week, 6 days ago
    My daughter asked a mortician if there was a serious injury in public and no doctor was available would he assist because of his knowledge of the human anatomy. He thought for a moment and replied; no, it could be construed as a conflict of interest.
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