Sunday Funnies
The news of today is so crazily un American that anyone who believes in the principles upon which the USA was founded might need a bit of cheering up. The following is strictly for laughs with a bit of satire as well. It could also be called "Thoughts from an old guy's demented mind."
More oldies, more Cambodians, more women, more LGBTIQWERTY.
More is more.
Trump to start deporting Democrats.
Mexico responds by starting to build border wall.
Now we know how he was going to get Mexico to pay for the border wall!
1.Swipe your card (BOOP)
2.Would you like to donate to charity today? (BOOP)
3.Enter PIN (BOOP< BOOP< BOOP)
4, What's the square root og 324?
All I Want Is A Bad Of Cheese Doodles!!!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
A bought a flea collar, I had a heluva time fitting it on to the flea.
I saw a an ax valued at $54,000. I asked the docent why is was so costly. He replied that it was the very axe that Lincoln split rails with. I replied that the handle and head looked new. The docent replied that the handle was loose and wormy and had to be replacedand the axe head waso out of shape that it couldn't be fitted to any handle and was replaced.. Apparently, they failed to recognize that they destroyed its value.
A: A Whine Cellar.
Q: What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: What happened to the joke that Jay Cutler told his receivers?
A. It went over their heads.
Q. What do you call a 300lb packers fan?
A. Anorexic
CARDS:Because you're such a valued customer,we're offering you a higher credit limit.
Yeah, right. I'd rather fill my underwear with bees.
I'd rather floss my teeth with a bicycle chain.
I'd rather use paint thinner as pasta sauce.
What they're offering is a way to get deeper in debt,they make money on the higher interest costs. I'd rather kiss a chicken on the lips.
Football is like investing.....it's good to have a diversified portfolio.A team should use a balanced mix of run plays and pass plays.
And, sometimes the quarterback is smart to accept a sack rather than trying something too risky. Take the small loss and move on. A defensive player getting a finger on a pass can have a big impact.
In both football and investing, a tip can be a real game changer.But some things are different.Football has nothing like like a T-Bill -- there are no guaranteed returns in football.