Real Regrets
When I was close to death with pneumonia, I reflected on those things that, over the years, I most regretted. Oddly enough, they were not momentous moments, but smaller, personal things, like certain events I failed to attend, compliments I should have given, but didn't and the following is an example of a biggie.Many years ago in my childhood I knew a kid whose name was Clifford, but everyone called him "Pinkie." I don't know why. Perhaps because of his slightly smaller stature, however when full grown he was of average height. In any case, zoom forward 20 years and I encounter him with his teen son in the locker room of our health club.Without a thought I shouted out "Hi, Pinkie." Whereupon Clifford's face turned red and his son assumed a quizzical look. In a flash I realized that the dad who was a terrific athlete and provider was also "Pinkie." As I walked away I heard, "Yeah, Pinkie, that was my nickname." The minor incident has returned to haunt me evermore. Don't ask me why, but let me caution you here in the Gulch. Be careful what you say and who you say it to. It may come back to haunt you some day and not for the sake of others but for your own sake. I would dearly like to go back to be able to correct every faux pas, everyy unattended event, and every inappropriate smartass remark. However, the past is as unrelenting as fate.
Being capable of regrets molds character. Just ask this 72-year-old.
An asker: "Hey,, 72-year-old, do you have any regrets so late in your life?"
Me dino: "None of your damn business.".
Damn Straight!!! Rand and Hayek would both say that guilt about failure to be altruistic is an unproductive way to think and leads to the usual socialistic bad end. Hold your ground! Your “bad actions” probably led to results that improved life for all of humanity.
And I know a lot of fellow baby boomers who are under the ground.
One guy who stands out in my memory for being my exact same age died of a heart attack during the Ninetes.
ROTFLMAO!
If you lived by that rule, you'd be paralyzed, unable to "live" your life.
Every action you take may have dozens of consequences, depending on your surroundings, people, unexpected events, etc.
When I moved from PA to CA, my friends gave me a golden advice: "Good habits will make you succeed."
That is the only rule worth following.
IF we forgive we grow up. Just a thought. I can most definitely learn from it.
It was your INTENT at the time you said it that should matter. Not the response of the individual. You MAY have missed a chance to apologize when his face turned red...
But honestly, such regrets are fruitless. You can NOT control how people respond to you. Don't try.
You cannot read their minds. And should not try.
And maybe this created an opportunity for a dad to have a heart to heart talk with his son. How the reason he takes him to the gym is because he felt bullied, and being called PINKIE was an example of it.
You could have, in fact, CHANGED the relationship between Pinkie and his son for the better. Or at least, helped ensured that his son learned a valuable lesson!
I cherish when things come up, even problems, so that my daughter gets a teachable moment from it. Whether it be her car stalling about 20 times while driving (taught her how to safely, without panic, hit her signal and/or hazard, go to neutral, and coast into the safest side. How to call for AAA, and also how VALUABLE a reliable car is AND the risks involved with having a flaky vehicle).
She still has the vehicle, since repaired, and regrets that it's time has come and she needs a new one.
But I am confident she will know how to handle a problem. And when she gets her new one, she will learn to jack it up, and change the tire, and have to peruse the manual on how everything works, and how to use the vehicle.
We are not perfect. Some kids think I am MEAN to my daughter for not giving her a better car. My INTENT is not to be mean, but to have her FEEL why having a new vehicle, free of issues, and why keeping it serviced properly is so important.
I hope this helps in some way. Even when you were dead wrong, and did the worse thing imaginable, there is a strong chance you allowed someone else to learn something (like what NOT to do, LOL)
If only I had known what it would do to me, I'd have quit listening to the nuns about THAT too! But every single night it's the same old litany of the things I did wrong. I've learned to live with it because 1) I think most people do that, 2) there's not a single thing I can do to go back and change what I did, and 3) I learned (and am still learning) from it.
What is that they say about the "unexamined life?" Well if that's the case, mine is definitely worth living, because it has been picked apart by myself thousands of times!
I suspect you know that already but I say it as a reminder to self and others...
I would now & then say a few words in Yiddish to him, the guys thought we had a special code, except for the other Jews.
With love and understanding,
Your friend and brother, Carl
That was the one before it, The Final Frontier. "I need my pain."
I saw The Final Frontier in the theater when I was 14. I thought it sucked, but I understand a little more about what Kirk was saying about refusing to be manipulated by a tour of all the times he turned left when he should have turned right. I thought it was about regrets, but I understand better about what Herb is saying about things that are not major regrets but little things you're really not proud of.
It makes me think of a girlfriend I didn't treat that great at age 17. I talked to her when I was 27 and said I should have handled things differently. She said she unequivocally forgives teenage all peccadilloes, and countless things happened since, making it no big deal. That made me feel better. I better that's true for a lot of the peccadilloes Herb was thinking of... the people who were wronged might not think of it as that big of a deal. People are often hardest on themselves.
In some of my talks, relating to my first book and understandings since, I say:
If the evolution of our mentality and behavior was expected to be so damned easy...there would have been no need for the act of nor the concept of...Profound Forgiveness.
If you investigated, I wonder if many of those things would turn out a) not as bothersome as you thought or b) not really the thing that was bothering them in life.
But I know you mean. I'm collecting these minor regrets too. I had a nice and dedicated PT employee who showed up clearly buzzed to work twice. Then I cut his hours, partly because of that but also because I had a client who stopped paying for unrelated reasons. The guy committed suicide a couple weeks later. I don't imagine that I alone had the power to save his life, but I still think about it.