A visit to a nursing home.
Posted by stargeezer 10 years, 3 months ago to Culture
Not too much of a story line hear, I just hope to engender a bit of discussion on the subject. A effort to understand my own feelings as we live through this time with my mother.
I have a certain affinity for the character of Hank Reardon for a number of reasons, not the least of which is his drive towards success. Another is the interaction between him and his mother. What a dysfunctional relationship that was. My own is somewhat similarly dysfunctional. My mother urged me to take up residence elsewhere when I was 17 years old. She was/is/continues to be a rather cruel person who only lives to take advantage of other people. In fact she seems a melding of both Lilian and Hanks mother. She is now 80 years old, in poor health because she refuses to listen to her doctors, and will not do anything except sit in a chair or lay in bed.
For the past two months she has allowed her health to degrade to the point that she cannot take care of herself and cannot live on her own. She has been hospitalized for the past two weeks and will be discharged today into a nursing home in a effort to build her back up to independence.
Yesterday I visited the nursing home where she will be taken today. While it's a bright place and the staff is very friendly and courteous, the overall feeling of the place is just so sad. A few of the residents are functional older folks who are there because they just can't tend to all things in their lives, some are, for lack of a better term, half wits rolling around cursing at each other, most are people who are just waiting to die.
I cannot take mom to our home. I will not subject my wife to anymore of her ill will than she has already endured and I know that should I accede to do that, she would soon be doing nothing to get on her feet.
My dear wife is as kind hearted soul as you could ever hope to meet and who sees no bad in the worse creature. Myself, I was taught at a young age to expect malevolence, a trait instilled by my mother that I've spent my entire life trying to defeat. When it comes to my mother, my early training is far more accurate and why I will never allow my mom to move into my home.
Those are the general circumstances. My quandary lies in what to do about as honest an assessment as I can make. Nursing room seems the only choice, cost is not even a concern and since everything is provided for her, I would not even have to go up there very often. But am I being true to the values in my heart? That's what has given me more than one restless night.
I have a certain affinity for the character of Hank Reardon for a number of reasons, not the least of which is his drive towards success. Another is the interaction between him and his mother. What a dysfunctional relationship that was. My own is somewhat similarly dysfunctional. My mother urged me to take up residence elsewhere when I was 17 years old. She was/is/continues to be a rather cruel person who only lives to take advantage of other people. In fact she seems a melding of both Lilian and Hanks mother. She is now 80 years old, in poor health because she refuses to listen to her doctors, and will not do anything except sit in a chair or lay in bed.
For the past two months she has allowed her health to degrade to the point that she cannot take care of herself and cannot live on her own. She has been hospitalized for the past two weeks and will be discharged today into a nursing home in a effort to build her back up to independence.
Yesterday I visited the nursing home where she will be taken today. While it's a bright place and the staff is very friendly and courteous, the overall feeling of the place is just so sad. A few of the residents are functional older folks who are there because they just can't tend to all things in their lives, some are, for lack of a better term, half wits rolling around cursing at each other, most are people who are just waiting to die.
I cannot take mom to our home. I will not subject my wife to anymore of her ill will than she has already endured and I know that should I accede to do that, she would soon be doing nothing to get on her feet.
My dear wife is as kind hearted soul as you could ever hope to meet and who sees no bad in the worse creature. Myself, I was taught at a young age to expect malevolence, a trait instilled by my mother that I've spent my entire life trying to defeat. When it comes to my mother, my early training is far more accurate and why I will never allow my mom to move into my home.
Those are the general circumstances. My quandary lies in what to do about as honest an assessment as I can make. Nursing room seems the only choice, cost is not even a concern and since everything is provided for her, I would not even have to go up there very often. But am I being true to the values in my heart? That's what has given me more than one restless night.
Mom arrived at the nursing home about 1:30 and I was there to greet her as the ambulance crew wheeled her in. The first words out of her mouth after I said "hi Mon, I'm here" was "I hate you!" loud and clear. I honestly considered rolling on out the door and going home, but there was a lot of paper work to do for her admission and I was the only one here to do the job.
I did what was needed, saw her settled into the room and 4 hours later I was on my way home. exactly how things are going to play out, nobody knows. My intentions are to just go up once a week. Any more and I might not withstand my "better" nature.
Thanks again all. Early night for me.
If cost is not a concern, is there a way she could have in-home care or at least move toward being strong enough for in-home care? If she's too sick for professional in-home care, she's way too sick to come to your home.
This is a hard situation. In these cases I try to remind myself that I only control my actions; I can't make other people do the right thing. I also try to think what will give me the most peace ten or twenty years from now when this is all over.
I hope you find something that works for you.
What are the values in your heart? It reads as though they are intelligent observation, logical decision making, protection of and care for your partner. I would also assume from what I've seen of you here in the Gulch that you embrace Galt's oath; living for your mother's sake is certainly NOT an option.
Have I missed anything?
The demon you have left to wrestle with is the one she forced on you - the malevolent view of life and other humans. You have given the question of how to treat a person who treated you badly more of your time than it deserves.
Let her go to a place [probably] better than she deserves and live well, as the best revenge.
I have a friend with almost identical circumstances to your's. She forces herself to go visit her mother once a week and then returns home kicking herself in the butt for putting herself through the maltreatment she invariably receives. To her it's duty vs logical reality, but in her heart she's glad her mom is there.
I've extracted promises from my sons to never take me to one, but instead to take me up into the mountains and let me crawl as far up into the brush as I can manage, where I intend to die and allow all the little and large varmints to return me to the earth from whence I came.
I wish you peace of mind in your decision.