Grown Children
Posted by lindadameron 6 years, 6 months ago to Education
My daughter has 3 Master's Degrees and teaches ESL to 5th graders. I am a strict constructionist and do not advocate pampering illegal immigrants. Our inability to communicate in this regard is ruining our relationship. Any advice is wecome.
Ask your daughter if she has a lock on her door.
Does the lock help her decide who comes into her home? Properly vetted guests are no different than properly vetted immigrants. Immigration is fine just not illegal aliens. In her home, guests are welcome but intruders aren't.
My grandparents learned English after they emigrated from Germany. My other grandmom learned it at the convent where she was raised after losing her family to the flu - and knew no other language BUT English.
Hell, Henry Ford had one of the best ESL programs for his recently emigrated workers... so they could survive and thrive in their new homeland.
Is the problem your daughter earned 3 masters, or that she teaches ESL? See, I'm lost - just because a 5th grader is in ESL does NOT make them "illegal immigrants"... if anything, it, like Ford, makes them into Productive Citizens later in life (or so we hope)...
I even remember the ESL kids when I was in high school... about a third were from Vietnam (refugees), probably half or so from south of the US border, and the rest from such strange far off places like Germany, Japan, and Sweden. And ALL of them, to enroll in school, had to be here legally.
Fast, Right, or Cheap: You can only choose 2.
I have developed the same theory for Relationships!
1) In a Relationship
2) Always Right
3) Happy
You can only choose 2 (those choices determine the 3rd, as always).
If you WANT a Relationship with your daughter, you have a choice. You can focus on Happiness or on Being Right.
But you CANNOT have both.
So you learn to find your common ground. And you focus on enjoying time with her, and you encourage the same thing.
You, in fact, let her "Be Right" (because we see things in absolutes, be believe when we are right, the OTHER must be wrong. That is not true.
The other can be MOSTLY wrong. Or simply "not right", or just different!)
Applying this engineering concept to my relationships has REALLY helped. I can get along, and discuss politics with ABSOLUTE Liberals who believe INSANE things like EVERYONE has a RIGHT to healthcare. But that is THEIR right to believe that. It does NOT make my beliefs wrong.
HTH,
Kirk Out!
The trouble with saying "He'd rather be right than be happy" is that most people would rather be happy no matter whether right or wrong.
I'd stop trying to "communicate" and just be glad your daughter has 3 Master's Degrees and should remain self-sufficient. My son has autism. You oughta see what our conversations are like...
It's probably the biggest mystery of human behavior I know of. I just cannot imagine being personally angry at someone over politics. I can understand people getting angry about specific policies, although I personally wouldn't get mad at an individual who doesn't work in policy (just some family member or colleague) for something like supporting the drug war. I can certainly understand it if they're threatening to harm me or groups of people, like if they're racist or something.
But being upset only based on whom someone voted for is beyond my understanding. In these cases I imagine there is a more relevant, personal dispute, and national politics is just a proxy.
The rules for the questioning sessions are as follows:
1) No "gotcha" questions
2) No demand for only yes or no answers
3) Stick to the facts, and be able to cite sources
4) Maintain respect for each other's opinion
The objective here is not to try to convince the other to change their mind, but to restore a civil relationship. You might also focus on things you both agree on, and express a desire to work with her on those things.
I've been successful maintaining a civil relationship with liberal thinking relatives because I don't try to force them to change their attitudes. I have had some success in seeing them moderate their ideas when they realize a more radical approach has little chance of success.
You may not like this approach, but when nothing else is working, it's worth a shot.
I've never worked on a project, board, or even recreational activity with people who were all in 100% agreement with everyone else.
"questioning sessions"
My wife sometimes "deposes" me if she doesn't understand. That means she asks as a serious of questions. You're only allowed to give direct answer and yes/no answer if it's a yes/no question. You can only expound if she says "why" in the question. Then we switch roles if necessary. It gets at things we don't understand, but I don't think it would work if we disagreed on something fundamental.
"I have had some success in seeing them moderate their ideas when they realize a more radical approach has little chance of success."
This is really good. I tend to avoid the topics. I know a few people who might be Republicans, and with a few exceptions we never talk about it.
I would also point out that one's educational achievements are preliminary to actually doing something in real life. To me, if she spent all that time getting three master's degrees and the best she can do in the world is teaching ESL, she didn't use her time (or money) in education getting educated in useful fields. Don't allow either you or her to attempt to hold that over your head. (And if she tries, one rebuttal is to simply ask her how much she's still paying on her student loans...)
We don't talk to him about politics. Period!
My granddaughter is like your daughter. Same background, holds degrees, and cries at how unfair the world is. She cannot talk to her Dad. I have an extra degree of separation, and are on good terms with her because I will not talk with on certain subjects. Rocky but works at least on holidays.
America is a country of laws. Those who come here illegally have no right to any of the benefits of living under our roof. I would simply remind her of her first 18-20 years under your laws and rules and make it perfectly clear there is nothing more to discuss in this matter. What part of illegal is she not able to comprehend with 3 advanced degrees?