Lately, my life seems to be getting more complicated. I'm so confused! Here is my situation:

I was born white, which makes me a racist

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.

I am non-unionwhich makes me a traitor to the working class.

I am a Jew, which makes me an infidel. I am older than 75 which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason: therefore I doubt much that the mainstream media tells me which makes me reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I am a right wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.

I and my friends acquired a good education and paid off my debts which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

I served in the armed forces and believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Can anyone help me come to terms with this, because I'm not sure who I am anymore. Besides -- I'm not sure what bathroom I should use.